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What to Say When Someone Has a Loss: A Guide to Having Those Tough Conversations

Written on . Posted in Blog, Resources.

When someone close to you experiences the death of a loved one, it can be hard to know what to say. Many of us worry about saying the wrong thing, so we hesitate—or worse, say nothing at all. But silence can feel isolating for the grieving person. Reaching out, even briefly, can provide comfort and remind them they are not alone.

This guide offers simple, sincere ways to express sympathy, plus practical tips for supporting someone through grief.

Core Principles

  • Keep it simple and sincere. A short message can mean a lot.
  • Focus on the bereaved. This is about their loss and feelings, not your stories.
  • Offer presence and practical help. Specific support is more meaningful than vague offers.
  • Respect preferences. Cultural, religious, or family traditions may shape how someone wants to grieve.
  • Reach out early and follow up. Send a message soon after the loss, then check in again in the weeks and months that follow.

What to Say

Here are short phrases that can be adapted for any situation:

  • Basic condolences: “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Or “I’m thinking of you during this difficult time.”
  • Acknowledging the person who died: “She was such a kind, generous person and will be deeply missed.”
  • Offering support: “I’m here for you—if you need someone to talk to or help with errands, please call.”
  • Sharing a memory: “I’ll always remember when he… [insert specific memory].”
  • Faith-based: “You are in my prayers.” Or “May God comfort you and give you peace.”
  • Secular: “Sending you love and strength.”

What Not to Say

  • Avoid minimizing (“He’s in a better place”) unless you’re sure it’s comforting to them.
  • Avoid coming across as thankful they’re gone (“At least she’s not suffering anymore”).
  • Don’t compare losses (“I know how you feel”).
  • Don’t push for details about the death.
  • Skip clichés like “Time heals all wounds” or “You should move on.”

How to Express Sympathy in Different Formats

  • In person or at a funeral: Offer a brief phrase like, “I’m so sorry. I remember when…” Then listen more than you speak.
  • Phone or voicemail: “Hi [Name], it’s [You]. I was so sorry to hear about [Deceased]. I’m thinking of you and here if you need anything.”
  • Sympathy card or note: Include a short memory or specific offer of help. Example: “Dear Maria, I was so sorry to hear about Tom. I’ll always remember his laugh at community dinners. Please let me know if I can bring meals this week. With love, Ana.”
  • Text message: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you—can I drop off groceries tomorrow?”
  • Email: Keep it professional yet warm: “I was deeply saddened to hear of your father’s passing. Please know I’m here to support you. I can cover your client calls this week if helpful.”
  • Social media: Keep public comments short and respectful. For more personal words, send a private message.

Special Situations

  • Sudden or unexpected death: Emphasize immediate support and simple condolences.
  • Suicide or homicide: Avoid judgment; focus on being present.
  • After long illness or caregiving: Recognize the effort: “I know you gave so much care—I admire your devotion and I’m sorry it ended this way.”
  • Pregnancy loss: Keep it direct and compassionate: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here however you need.”

How to Offer Help

Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering something specific:

  • “I can bring dinner on Tuesday or Thursday—what works better?”
  • “I will plan to drive the kids to school this week. What time do you want me to pick them up?”
  • “I’d like to help with paperwork—what can I take off your list?”
  • “I’m already at Costco—what do you need that I can drop off at your porch (won’t even visit, just will drop off!)”

Following Up

Grief lasts much longer than the funeral. A thoughtful check-in a few weeks or months later can make a big difference (when other people’s condolences may have dwindled down).

  • First days: Send a card, call, or bring a meal.
  • Weeks 2–8: Check in and offer concrete help.
  • Months 3–12: Remember anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays with a note or small gesture.

Quick Checklist Before You Reach Out

  • Use the deceased’s name
  • Keep your message short and heartfelt
  • Offer specific help or follow-up
  • Avoid minimizing language

Final Thoughts

What matters most is showing up—with your words, your presence, or your help. You don’t have to be perfect. A few sincere words of sympathy can ease someone’s burden and remind them they are surrounded by care and compassion.